.....Now, Queen are a very interesting band, not because of their music, although it wasn’t all that bad (we’ll come to that), but because none of them really wanted to do it anyway. Like Michael Palin, they all wanted to be a gynaecologist, or an astro-biologist or something. Yes, sad but true, they were brainy.

.....The effect this would have on the 70’s music scene was profound, getting totally out of hand by Christmas 1975 on Bohemian Rhapsody, and for several reasons:
.....1. The song was about 15 minutes long – 14 minutes and 29 seconds longer than the attention span of their fanbase, and...
.....2. It contained opera, which every right-thinking schoolboy or girl knew even then was simply not on.

.....Anyway, it was a hit, so what can you do . . .

.....But what of the origins of the band ?

.....Well, Freddie Mercury (born Fredus Mercurius) grew up to go to art school, and we all know what those art school types were like and he was no different. So that was him.

.....Roger Taylor played drums in an unusually flamboyant and thumpy style. He also had very fluffy hair – almost as fluffy as a girl’s!

.....I’m pretty sure the bass player John Deacon also painted pictures for Yessongs, but don’t quote me on that one . . .

.....And so we come to the chief subject/victim of our enquiry: .....The guitarist and astrolabe, Brian May.

.....Brian’s early life was marred by his unusual height. By the age of 3 he was 6ft 5”, and it was in an effort to play down this apparent disability that he first took to growing his fringe over his eyes so he couldn’t be seen, and also hiding behind long flowing capes. His parents were very supportive. Every week his Mum would give him a silver sixpence with the solemn words, “Now Brian, don't spend it all in one shop.” (He didn't spend it in any shop.) And his Dad (partly through fear as his son was now approaching 10ft) helped him to make things in the shed – a candle out of the cardboard bit of a toilet roll stuck into an old Dairylea tub, an Airfix Spitfire, a telescope out of an old fireplace, a guitar, whatever.

.....Anyway, all this – combined with the fact that (due to his height) he could no longer make out the ball whilst playing soccer with the other kids – caused him to spend endless hours gazing into space (turning his height into an asset) and making up songs about Einstein on his guitar (the old romantic!)

.....A few years later (since the Beatles were having a clear out) Brian managed to lay his hands on a job lot of 500-odd Vox AC30’s which he glued together with Bostik to create his now-famous ‘wall of sound’. (When a Mr P. Specter later challenged him over this in the courts, Mr Specter came away with the lame excuse that he had thought of it 10 years earlier. Pwhh!.. some people!)

.....Around this time the band were surprised by success, which leapt out at them inconsiderately and shouted “Boo!” right in the middle of Brian’s PhD. After consulting their financial adviser who advised, "Don't be daft! You can do a stupid PhD anytime but its very seldom you can become a rock star – oh and cut me in for 15%," they decided to go for it.

.....A night at the opera was the band’s big turning point although none of them really wanted to go as they thought it was a bit poncy (how wrong can you be?). On the night in question Roger Taylor got on Freddie’s wick a bit by noisily attempting to eat the ice-cream lady (and just generally not taking it as seriously as Freddie might have hoped, particularly as he was the only one in the band who, when pressed, could sound like a soprano). Anyway, all's well that end's well, and the band went into the studio the following day and recorded their now-famous opus maximus de foie gràs (which did end on a lovely note – after about 15 minutes! )

.....Much Moet et Chandon was consumed to celebrate and they then went on to tour extensively [great rock phrase that] and release absolutely heaps more albums and mega-hits such as ‘Radio One’ and ‘Flat Bottomed Boats’.

.....However, in the 80's the band stopped touring. The official reason given was that Freddie had lost the end of his mike stand, but it was actually because he wanted to spend more time with his fish. Anyway, being goldfish they all died, so happily the band were able to tour extensively again.

.....Sadly of course, Freddie has now gone on to join the great hallelujah chorus in the sky (sadly because he’ll probably take over the vocal production), but – on the plus side – Brian finally got time to finish his PhD and write a book with the well-known TV sports presenter Brian Moore about how the answer to the question of life, the universe and everything is in fact not 42 but, amazingly, 39. ....(Although Moore still claims its '66.)

"Got to leave it all behind and fade on through. . ."