.....The origins of Deep Purple are shrouded in mystery, and there’s a very good reason for this... well several actually, the main one being that before Deep Purple in Rock was released in 1970 they only managed to sell two LP’s – one to the singer’s mum (which she later destroyed in a fit of pique when her son got shoved out the band) and the other to a Turkish bloke by the name of Taliesyn who bought it by mistake thinking it was a book!

.....Also the music was a bit pansy (if Hush was anything to go by). Ian Gillan and Roger Glover must have given them a right royal boot up the behind when they joined because suddenly they were brilliant!

.....The story begins when a young Ritchie Blackmore with sticky up (but not yet sticky out) hair came home from school one day and, whilst throwing shapes in front of his bedroom mirror with an old beat-up acoustic [come on, we’ve all done it] had the felicitous idea of learning to play it. This he then did, after which he got a job with Screaming Lord Sutch from whom he derived his love of politics, and also learned to behave in a semi-precious fashion.

.....Though his behaviour no doubt caused a few problems along the way – chiefly because he refused to allow anyone else to think – everyone let him off because (a) they were coining it in off his songwriting and (b) he was a genius, and didn't approve of communicating all that much.

.....Notable tracks on their first (decent) album were: ...well... them all really, but Speed King because it starts off with a noise which your dad would tell you wasn't music (and I must say, with the benefit of hindsight, that I'm inclined to agree with him) then Jon Lord goes off to church for a spot of spiritual reflection, whereupon – not before giving your grandad a heart attack when the band comes back in – Ian Gillan pinches all the lyrics off of 50's rock 'n' roll which, to be honest, nobody needed reminding of. ..And also Living Wreck because of the bit about the hair and the teeth, and Child in Time. (Actually, not Child in Time. It was really boring but everybody raved about it so I thought I'd better mention it.)

.....And so the band toured extensively, conquering the United States – which was where Ritchie's politics came in handy. Time was found to record Fireball, but obviously not enough as it was rubbish (apart from No-One Came which has my all-time favourite solo, of anything!) When the track No, No, No was seriously considered in the 90's as the theme tune to the hit UK TV show Vicar of Dibley, Ian Gillan was approached about going back into the studio to overdub a Yes on the end but he said no. Consequently the song was rejected as being too negative.

.....At this point the band decided to take a well-earned break. During the break Ian Paice went out and brought back some travel brochures and they decided [like you do] to rent a freezing cold, dis-used hotel in Montreux by the Lake Geneva shoreline. And with a few red lights, a few old beds, they made a place to sweat - so they must have had at least one heater!

.....This time the music was good, and in spite of Frank Zappa's mother's attempt to burn down Ritchie's stack with a flare-gun, their classic album Machine Head was born into the world. The record company promptly released the obvious single from the album – Never Before....That's record companies for you. Run by accountants. Anyway, weenyboppers down through the ages seem to have managed to wheedle their way to Smoke on the Water, even though it was buried on the album [great rock phrase that].

.....After this Ritchie got a bit fed up with everybody, claimed it was his band and sacked a few of them, and, after discovering a poncey-looking bloke named Coverdale behind a rack of velvet tank-tops in a northern boutique, made a couple more albums with far too much singing on them for my liking (for which incidentally I forgive them due to Mistreated).

.....So, feeling there was still a bit of a personnel problem within the band, Ritchie finally got rid of himself, and that was the end of Deep Purple, well nearly...

.....He then formed Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow (taking the precaution this time to write his name into the title just in case anybody wanted a debate about it later on). The others kind of tried to keep going, but ended up sort of joining Rainbow as well in dribs and drabs, until eventually David Coverdale (who was fortunately by now a superstar) felt sorry for them and took them under his wig... I mean wing.

.....Ritchie spent his mid-life crisis under a quaker hat as 'New York's only wandering minstrel'. It was fairly dark under the hat but at least he didn't have to talk to people – and it gave him the idea of a catchy name for him and his girlfriend's band.

.....And Deep Purple eventually came in handy again as a pension. They all kissed, made up, and lived happily ever after...

"No-one came from miles around and said, Man your music is really funky..."